Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 522

Read my lips: No new promises.

Yeah, people ask me about my hair, 'Felipe, what kind of shampoo do you use?' I say, 'I don't know. I think it's called 'SAMPLE, don't take.'

What do you come out on the news saying? 'We want to be treated like equals in the workplace.' No you don't. You want to be treated like a woman in the workplace, and you want to get paid like an equal. That's what you want. Because when men treat you like equals, what do you do? You send us to sensitivity training, bitch. That's what you do.

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.

Comedy Central, they told me I had to watch my language because, the woman said, they had 'standards and practices.' I was like, wait a minute - you're Comedy Central. Aren't you the network where your number one show is a cartoon with a talking piece of shit?

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.

Mad cow disease, monkey pox, bird flu, mosquito viruses - did the animal kingdom have a meeting? "Who here is tired of being food and clothing? ... Cows, get on it... Moo!"

Finding a calm place inside myself through meditation kind of helped me to get over a lot of mental illness, it's just been a really great thing in my life.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

Have you ever watched footage of the destruction caused by hurricanes in America? When a big wind sweeps across America, there isn't a building left standing. And you can't help thinking: the Southern states of America must have been built by the first two little piggies.

The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.

I never care what people think of me, especially myself.

Just yesterday, you were my little girl on a tricycle. Now, you are a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on a tricycle.