Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 522
What do you come out on the news saying? 'We want to be treated like equals in the workplace.' No you don't. You want to be treated like a woman in the workplace, and you want to get paid like an equal. That's what you want. Because when men treat you like equals, what do you do? You send us to sensitivity training, bitch. That's what you do.
I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.
There is no course of life so weak and sottish as that which is managed by order, method, and discipline.
I don't laugh at me. I used to. I used to get the giggles when I'd see myself. But now, I see myself onscreen, and I sure don't laugh.
Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.
In a way, comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you're doing.
There were very few women comics when I started out doing stand-up. But I always saw that as a great advantage.
This producer was a woman, a type I became acquainted with at the beginning of my stand-up career in Denver. I cared little for them: blondes in high heels who were so anxious to reach the professional level of the men they worshipped, fawned over, served, built up, and flattered that they would stab other women in the back. They are the ultimate weapon used by men against actual feminists who try to work in media, and they are never friends to other women, you can trust me on that.
My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.
Can you believe that? She says I’m not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?
Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn’t get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I’m doing jazz. That’s kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks… Maybe I’m the Kenny G of comedy.