Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 523
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
Don’t try to give a funny opinion; give your opinion in a way that will be funny.
The thing about hipsters is that they take very seriously trying to make themselves look like they don’t take themselves seriously.
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87 birthday. I tell them a paternity suit.
Alexander Graham Bell’s wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, "Your three minutes are up." Never got a dinner!
Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
All of your life you were crazy about cars, I guess that's why you turned out to be such a crank.
Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking - its nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith, and enable it, and elevate it, are our intellectual slaveholders - keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Gradual school is where you go to school and you gradually find out you don't want to go to school anymore.
I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.