Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 523

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

I always hate having to use the gym equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: Clank! Clank! "I'm the two plate guy!" Clank! Clank! "Anyone wanna spot me?" Clank! Clank!

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."

I’ve made 30 movies and for the most part my movies work. In a business where success is an exception and not the rule, I’ve mostly been successful.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write.

Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which, of course, in German means a whale's vagina.

It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

Hold it El Guapo! Or I'll pump you so full of lead you'll be using your dick for a pencil!

I ran into a woman I dated last year. I said, "You gave me a rash!" She said, "Put something on it." I said, "OK. Ten bucks says it was you."