Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 537
I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
I don't care who you are, I don't care what you do. If you have four funny stories, you can be a guest on this show. That's what we're looking for.
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.
Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.
I'm not even worried about them getting sick of the characters. I want to make sure stuff is still funny to me.
I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.
I met this girl... very aggressively... I just walked up to her and I said "Who are you? I have to know who you are." It's a good opener, but you can't sustain that level of excitement. Later on chicks start complaining the relationship doesn't have that much drive anymore. You have to remind them, "I'm the guy who ran up and said "Who are you?" And they always say "Well, you never do that anymore." And you have to say "Yes, and I still don't know who you are.
Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.