Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 552
Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one of the funniest shows on TV and I was a little intimidated working with those guys 'cause you're in a sound booth by yourself and they're all in a room in Atlanta.
I started writing this feature comedy in New York - a Chris Farley vehicle. The script was decent. When I got to LA, I met some new friends in film school and had them read my script and give me notes.
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
In the last couple of years, I guess I've spent six figures on clothes. I figure I spend a lot of time shopping. Eight to ten days a month, I go out and buy. Yeah, I guess you could say that I'm a real clothes whore.
When exactly did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt? He's not a macy's day float! Bring him down it's time for elections!
Being wealthy when no one else is is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
Saint Christopher, who said, "Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal?" Never got a dinner!
There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.
The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons. There's a couple of shows like that, The Simpsons is another one, smart people and stupid people love The Simpsons for totally different reasons; that's why it's a big hit, everybody's either smart or stupid so a lot of people watch it. Our show, smart people and stupid people love it for different reasons and early on in my career I made a commitment to myself; I refuse to cater to stupid people. What we do on the air is just try to be funny and hope that the smart people listen more than the dumb people.