Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 552
My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been in so many motel rooms her nickname is 'Gideon.'
That's what I take pride in in my stand-up, is changing things up. Being special.
I was a typical kid. I dug holes in the yard, threw rocks, had plum battles with the neighbours and used trash can lids as shields. I was always outside getting dirty.
I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.
I don't do too many jokes about current affairs, because almost every comedian always does that.
I have not had sex in almost two years. And I think once you hit two years, you get your virginity back… I’m going to just have to trick somebody into doing it. I’m going to have to cover with leaves and hope somebody falls in.
It's very simple. There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms of their mansion, because Tom snores. They also have their own bathrooms... in case Katie has to get up in the middle of the night and ask Tom’s permission to pee.