Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 553

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

Children are fucking animals, man... you don't believe me, put a three year old alone in a room with a kitten for an hour unattended.

Halftime at the Super Bowl is the best because halftime at the Super Bowl has gotten exponentially worse every year. I use the word 'exponentially' because I was taught it in math class and that was the first sentence I could use it in. 'Exponentially worse' means crappier and crappier and crappier.

Dont give me that shit that weeds a drug. It aint no motherfuckin drug. Ive done the research. Its just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire there are some effects.

The course of true golf never did run smooth.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

?I don’t think Al Sharpton will be president of anything, except for The Association of Greasy Mother Fuckers. Zing, Al Sharpton. Don’t fuck with me.

I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

If I want to act relaxed, it’s going to take all my cunning, skill and concentration.

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

Dude, smell my eyes!

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'