Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 554
The transformation has been unbelievable. When I started here, I worked in a place where the Sky Room was on the second floor.
Being wealthy when no one else is is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
At night, I'll notice a thigh will just start aching. And this arm, and this...
Saint Christopher, who said, "Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal?" Never got a dinner!
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
I don't do too many jokes about current affairs, because almost every comedian always does that.
The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons. There's a couple of shows like that, The Simpsons is another one, smart people and stupid people love The Simpsons for totally different reasons; that's why it's a big hit, everybody's either smart or stupid so a lot of people watch it. Our show, smart people and stupid people love it for different reasons and early on in my career I made a commitment to myself; I refuse to cater to stupid people. What we do on the air is just try to be funny and hope that the smart people listen more than the dumb people.
My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, "Where did he touch you?" She said, "On my knee, Bobby."
If you drink, don’t drive. Or if you do, at least try to crash into some asshole in a Corvette or something.
I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.