Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 569
My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.
My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.
I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.
I jog, actually; I go at night. A lot of women, they don't like to go jogging alone at night. They're afraid they might get accosted. I go naked. That way, if there are any perverts around, they think I'm already being chased.
I never thought I'd see the day that I would see white folks as frightened, or more so, than black folks was during the civil rights movement when we was in Mississippi.
I really don't like art with a message. If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fucking say it.
No woman can be completely happy at any one moment in time. They're always anticipating the next thing to argue or complain about.
I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.
As long as you don't have sex with kids or kill anybody you can do whatever the fuck you want in my church!
It's just sad to see some white person trying to do a nigger-less rendition of a Dr. Dre song. It's just fuckin' depressing.
When exactly did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt? He's not a macy's day float! Bring him down it's time for elections!