Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 568

Originality is never embraced as quickly as the commonplace.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being "too farfetched".

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I'm looking out of my third eye and everything that I'm supposed to be doing. It's amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. 'Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama's got the magic of Clorox 2.'

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

You ever got one thing to do all day but you just can't get yourself to do it? I gotta go to the post office ... but I'd probably have to put on pants. They're only open until 5. I'm going to have to do that next week."

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

You know your heavy metal band's going to suck when you've got a clarinet player.

Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.

Southwest Airlines is like my period: it hurts my back and it's always late.

I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

Sadly, the worst audience I ever had were my parents.