Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 568
In the last couple of years, I guess I've spent six figures on clothes. I figure I spend a lot of time shopping. Eight to ten days a month, I go out and buy. Yeah, I guess you could say that I'm a real clothes whore.
You might be a redneck if you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
I see a Latino comic as someone who can only perform for Latino audiences. I cross the board.
Saint Christopher, who said, "Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal?" Never got a dinner!
Found a fragrance called Vixen. Guess they can't name them after the people who actually wear them. Nobody's going to buy Secretary.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
I would be dishonorable in a relationship because I wasn't getting what I wanted from that person.
Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.
I relieve my stress by buying stuff. I'll go to Bass Pro Shops and here's the problem: I'm an impulse buyer. I'll like "Oh, look. I bought a deer feeder." Then I'll think "Oh, man. I gotta get it home." And that drives my wife crazy. 'Cause she's very much a list shopper. Like, she hates it when I get on airplanes. Because the airlines now have this magazine called SkyMall magazine. Oh, that is my crack. I know it's just crap. But it's crap I've gotta have. She got really mad at me when I ordered a digital fly swatter out of that magazine. Well, come on! It keeps track of swats, hits and kills. And the best part is, you could hook it to the internet, and you could see where you rank nationally as a fly swatter.
Esther, warn me before you come in so I have a chance to cover all of the mirrors!
Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.