Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 570

I’m just another reject slowly slipping out of the gene pool to get hoovered up by the sex industry.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being "too farfetched".

All I can think of are her poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

The economy in Ireland has been rampaging ahead for the last 15 years. Barring an international, political or natural catastrophe, things can only get better for the Irish.

I don't believe in karma.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

You know your heavy metal band's going to suck when you've got a clarinet player.

I think there are people living in Walmart dressed up as employees.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

We declared war on terror - it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.