Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 570
A person asked me, "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her, "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."
If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.
President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room.
How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be.
The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.
I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.
If M & M's melt in your mouth, not in your hand, what would they do, say... under your arms?
Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again.
I didn’t realize I had any problems until you fucking brought it up.
It’s an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It’s what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say.