Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 580
As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher. Nobody listened.
Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"
So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you're on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation "of course I'll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I'll say a few words. [high pitched] Byeeeeee!" Why am I doing that?
No woman can be completely happy at any one moment in time. They're always anticipating the next thing to argue or complain about.
You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.
You probably won’t get laid at your prom. Try, because this may be one of the last chances…where it’s cool to have sex with a high school girl.
As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians.
It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods.