Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 579

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

There's something very refreshing about being on stage.

Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.

I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.

My favorite show of all time has to be Charlie’s Angels… My hair was so feathered, that the back of my head looked like a butt.

Here's how hot my wife is: on our first date, she started talking about kids. Christopher Titus: And I still married her.

I started acting at the University of Michigan in my sophomore year.

The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don’t, you know, I can’t worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

I went to see one of those X-rated pictures the other night, and I couldn't believe my eyes. So I stayed to see it a second time.

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

Every time a man's being nice to women, he's offering you dick.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary "lift".