Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 579
A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.
The most rewarding part about being a dad is just looking at children who didn't exist at some point. The first time you saw them, they were the size of a quarter, in a sonogram, and now they can pour orange juice and yell at each other.
Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
Esther, warn me before you come in so I have a chance to cover all of the mirrors!
The stream-of-consciousness style is my monkey trick. I sit there, I watch stuff, and cultural references bump into my head.
It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness.
Uh-oh, Steven called the fuzz! "Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do?"
When you’re pregnant, people feel like they can come up and give you unsolicited advice. When I was nine months pregnant, this one woman came up and she said, "I have one word for you: epidural." And I was like, "Oh my God, thanks. But we already picked a name."
I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.