Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 581

I want to do well and I want to fit in.

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.

I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

I would believe in reincarnation but too many of me ex-girlfriends did and it isn't worth the risk.

I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, "Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it."

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

The Mars rover Curiosity has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. Here's my question. If we're on the surface of Mars, aren't we the UFO?

The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don't think that's going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I'm looking around for the perfect parent and I haven't seen one yet.

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities. I like to call them "places to put stuff." Do you know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have some locations available.

He was great enough to be loose and funny about it.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.

There's a big difference between "poll workers" and "pole workers." Sadly.

My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.