Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 588
I've been chased. I've been pushed. I've been screamed at. I've been verbally abused. I've been afraid for my safety. But I did it all in the name of entertainment.
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone’s safety is protected.
You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.
The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.
I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.
There are many different kinds of assholes in the world. But there's one particular kind of asshole that you see at the airport that's so annoying, and that is the person that is dressed like the destination to which it is they are flying. Do you know what I'm saying? The people that wear what they think the native costume of the land is that their going to. We're going to Denver, and I swear to you, this motherfucker had a parka made of bears.
I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?