Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 588

When I was a kid I did impressions and funny voices a lot. When I was telling a story I would use the voices to make it more entertaining.

A new survey shows that married women are having 40 percent more extramarital sex than 20 years ago. Scientists say that number drops significantly when they subtract your mom.

Who’s more irrational, a Christian who believes in a God he can’t see, or an atheist who’s offended by a God he doesn’t even believe in?

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

I found people looked better when they laughed.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.

A tank is made to drive and shoot with a turn that spins at 360 degrees. Do you know what that is? That's a drive-by!

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

Half the people you know are below average.

Funny is funny is funny.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.