Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 587

You might be a redneck if... the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

I'm not a comic. I'm a humorist.

John Kerry said today that he stands by his claim that certain foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told me that I'm going to win.

So I'm at the office, I tell this guy...Pass me the stapler, but when you pass it, make sure staples are in it, because if it isn't, I can't staple anythin'.

I’ve started to get this feeling that I’m totally, totally fucked.

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

I never touched a gun in my life. That and that alone forever doomed me to middle management.

I had a really tough time for a few years. My show was gone. My phone wasn't ringing. There wasn't one job offer. And at that point, I thought I knew for sure that I wouldn't work in Hollywood again.

Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.