Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 589
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.
A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn’t figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.
A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."
That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours. First round. "Cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here." Then as he passed you, "Ha! I know there's 2 T's."
My friend’s really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He’s like annoying.
When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well...
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Get off your ass and do something. Spread your wings and fly. Or, make your friend fly. And, I don't mean, help your friend fly. I mean, force that chubby little non-aerodynamic bastard to freakin' fly.
If reading makes you smart then how come when you read a book they have to put the title of the book on the top of every single page? Does anyone get halfway through a book, "What the hell am I reading?"
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
We all hold on to some image of the family we want, based one way or another on the family we had. Lots of people are thrilled about the families they came from, others couldn't get away fast enough. Most people fall into that vast middle ground: great affection mixed with a few ideas for improvement. A couple of things they wish could have perhaps been done differently.