Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 590

I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That's not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.

Don't give up your power.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

I wasn't feeling it, really. But I just had to do what I had to do. It turned out the better for me.

In show business, it takes 10 years to create an overnight success. You've heard that, right? But what you don't hear is that that's the exact same amount of time it takes to create a bitter failure.

The stream-of-consciousness style is my monkey trick. I sit there, I watch stuff, and cultural references bump into my head.

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

"Finger Puppet" sounds OK as a noun.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

My father was a huge influence on me.

I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh. Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.