Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 590

There was a guy last week back East who shot his wife at a Domestic Violence Center. I think he misunderstood the sign.

Who’s more irrational, a Christian who believes in a God he can’t see, or an atheist who’s offended by a God he doesn’t even believe in?

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you.

I would believe in reincarnation but too many of me ex-girlfriends did and it isn't worth the risk.

I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest."

We work very, very hard to find that fine line where location is meaningful enough to be interesting to an advertiser but not so intrusive that it interrupts the creative flow of the show.

I found people looked better when they laughed.

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’

Why are old maps always burnt?

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

I’ve got keys to crap I’ve never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.