Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 601

When my parents send me emails the first 3 are blank.

Dos tequilas for the table por favor, both of them for the lady.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between "You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry," and "Don't scream."

My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's Ok!

Some kind of way, we have to say enough is enough.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

When I started out in 1960, I thought it might possibly last a couple of years. I never expected it to last 42. I take great satisfaction in that longevity.

Pliny the Elder, who when Rome was burning requested Nero to play "You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille." Never got a dinner!

There isn't any "New Man". The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.