Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 600

Romney's solution for job creation: allow the slave class to employ their fellow slaves!

There are a lot of reasons for that. For one, we have good light here.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

There's gratification in making somebody laugh. It's a wonderful sound. I find myself, to this day, doing it, wanting to make people laugh.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Bambi, to a kid, was scary.

Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn’t be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I’m looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.

The world can't tell you who you are. You've just got to figure out who you are and be there, for better or worse.

You fucking work 5 days to enjoy 2, I don’t know if you gamble, but them's shit odds.

In Hollywood, Oscar is king.