Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 600

I guess I am a true narcissist. I convinced my dog to walk me.

Some are from the world of the arts, some from the fields of business, architecture, wine-making and education. What they have in common is that they are all known nationally - and many internationally - for their wide-ranging achievements.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce, but now I’m ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.

Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.

I started this craze that's sweeping, no, it's Swiffering the nation.

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

The best thing I ever heard about doing comedy is that it’s the "business of rejection".

When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, "I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive". And six months later you're like, "Lord, any mammal with a day job".

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It’s like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

The second piece of news is something that I would imagine most people have heard about by now. Arrested Development got picked up for a third season.