Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 602

Gags die, humor doesn't.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

It's so much easier for me to talk about my life in front of two thousand people than it is one-to-one. I'm a real defensive person, because if you were sensitive in my neighborhood you were something to eat.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

I guess I am a true narcissist. I convinced my dog to walk me.

My career is just kind of crazy.

Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.

That was so much easier, I should just get it in one every time.

Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?

It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's Ok!

The second piece of news is something that I would imagine most people have heard about by now. Arrested Development got picked up for a third season.

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.

When I started out in 1960, I thought it might possibly last a couple of years. I never expected it to last 42. I take great satisfaction in that longevity.