Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 602
There was one embarrassing moment for President Bush. When he heard there were forged documents that had been discovered he said: 'What? You mean they found my diploma from Yale?'
I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
We all hold on to some image of the family we want, based one way or another on the family we had. Lots of people are thrilled about the families they came from, others couldn't get away fast enough. Most people fall into that vast middle ground: great affection mixed with a few ideas for improvement. A couple of things they wish could have perhaps been done differently.
I got a boy that was married, been married for six years - videotaped his wedding day, never watched it. Six years later, now he watches it every day, but he watches it in reverse. I asked him. He said, 'I love seeing myself take that ring back off her fuckin' finger.'
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.
If someone was to introduce hope and idealism into our political system, I think the tension that would create in other areas would certainly be ripe. You would think that if you bring oxygen to the organism, the organism lives. But there may be other organisms in there that thrive in darkness and in a more anaerobic environment. Watching those creatures writhe will always be interesting.
A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.
I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.
A new survey shows that married women are having 40 percent more extramarital sex than 20 years ago. Scientists say that number drops significantly when they subtract your mom.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
There was a guy last week back East who shot his wife at a Domestic Violence Center. I think he misunderstood the sign.