Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 617

I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…

Nancy Reagan, who said to Jerry Zipkin, "What do you wear to a recession?" Never got a dinner!

I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that's off stage. People know when it's fake.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.

You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

I never touched a gun in my life. That and that alone forever doomed me to middle management.

For this being the holiday season everyone at the mall is pissed. Time to shop online.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future

My friends come and ask me "Is it worth it?" I say well shit it better be, I did this shit on purpose!

Here’s something you never hear: "Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I’m free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!"

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.