Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 617

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?.. No... as funny as that is, I'm not.

Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.

Nancy Reagan, who said to Jerry Zipkin, "What do you wear to a recession?" Never got a dinner!

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

Was at Royal Wedding but didn't go inside. Had same hat as Fergie's daughter.

That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters - they look better covered in oil.

“Is that a gun in your pocket or you just pleased to see me? No its me knob.”

I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future

I have a dream. Martin Luther King had a dream so big that millions climbed on board. And one man changed a nation forever. Wow. How do you follow a dream that big? I guess you got to start small. You know, baby steps. I have some gum. Anybody can get gum. You feel better now, don't ya?

I'm interested in doing everything and anything that I can to squeeze that creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm sort of a performance rat.

But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.