Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 662

No, I'm not dying, and I sure... ain't dead.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don’t Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can’t Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.

Sometimes love is as sweet as kalbi.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I'd always go off book and start improvising.

Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.

Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.

Perception is reality; so being so twisted I have no idea who I ever was which was a really lucky break.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.