Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 662

I'd be curious to find out, but I don't think people in the entertainment industry are proportionally more or less serious politically than anyone in the landscaping industry.

I'm not afraid of putting myself out there to someone and then them passing on it. At least you could have gotten a 'yes.' So it's worthwhile to have the cojones to do it.

I've seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn't understand their comedy or their sensibility.

It's not till you get out on tour that you realize the impact.

I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

Sometimes love is as sweet as kalbi.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

I knew comedy was the thing for me when I was the only Asian kid in high school... who failed math.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

Then she doesn't say anything. She waits. It brews in her head like a little El Nino. She calls me 4am. Not even a call, a fax. That's worse. It's jarring. It's right next to my head, nothing's worse. 7 page fax. First one has just got a big F on it. I don't like where it's headed.

My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.

There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?

My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract the alpha loser of that town. This guy was not a good guy. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. Scott Peterson sprinkles on the top, a side of Robert Blake. You know, not a good guy.

Rational people, anti-religionists, must end their timidity and come out of the closet and assert themselves. And those who consider themselves only moderately religious really need to look in the mirror and realize that the solace and comfort that religion brings you actually comes at a terrible price.