Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 664
One of my favorite sketches, and a popular comedy formula, is to put someone with a mental handicap in some kind of unlikely situation. For example: The retarded gynecologist, the retarded Jesus, the retarded Osama Bin Laden. It works. It's funny. Inappropriate? I dunno. I feel like I'm a pretty good judge of what crosses the line of good taste being that I am retarded. Socially perhaps, but severly retarded.
We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
I talk to my dad all the time, he's more like my buddy than my father, and he's not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this.
I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.
It's not till you get out on tour that you realize the impact.
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.
I knew comedy was the thing for me when I was the only Asian kid in high school... who failed math.
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.
I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew.
I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarket to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.