Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 664

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, fucking YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be pissed off if you opened it and a socket set fell out!

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned - not nailed.

Over the years, there certainly have been plenty of ideas that I've had and given up on, but for this one, the only thing that was standing in its way was me doing it - I just had to write it... And then if it didn't happen, it didn't happen. But I didn't want it to be for lack of effort on my part, so I had hunch that it would be a good story and that we would work well together. And it certainly worked out that way.

I believe everyone has this fuckin' poem in his heart.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

In '87, I used to do this awful, awful James Brown impression.

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

When you actually meet the devil and he offers you a deal most artists eventually negotiate.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.