Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 663

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.

You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

As a parent in the suburbs where I live, you have to chaperone your children everywhere they go because everybody's so afraid their precious little angel is going to get abducted or something. How egotistical can you get? Oh, your kid is sooo special. Everybody wants your kid. Come on.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.

As Prime Minister of Israel I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

Every time I talk about Chipotle in conversation, someone goes, “Oh, Chipotle is delicious. Can you believe they were started by McDonald’s?” Uh, McDonald’s is delicious, so yes, I can believe that. It’s not like Ben and Jerry’s opened up a lingerie shop. It’s the world’s greatest restaurant chain taking a stab at another kind of food and hitting it out of the park.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

You know, the funny thing about child pornography, aside from the lack of credits at the end...

I've been married four years now and it's getting pretty serious.