Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 663
Peeps ask why the shades inside JB? I have a cool prescription thats why!
I think genitalia is proof that the universe loves women more than men. And I’ll tell you why. Cause if you look at women’s stuff, it’s all kind of gross, but at least it’s all organized. It’s like God made a little package. It’s all tucked in with hospital corners and stuff. And with men it’s like God started to make a bow and the phone rang.
Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.
I always loved art teachers because they were so bizarre. They were like the homeless people of the faculty -- all disheveled, wearing smocks, covered in paint, always digging through the garbage, looking for bottles and egg cartons and things.
God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy -- they're reluctant prophets.
I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.
Private companies have a lot of capital. They can run things efficiently and get projects built.
Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
How dare you compare Hitler to this president or any president? How dare you equate what he did with what Obama is doing? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you know anything about history? Do you have any idea what Hitler did? He killed six million of my people, which is six million more than Obama has killed. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking moron. You're the fucking problem with this country.
My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.
I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.