Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 663
I would even walk so it wouldn't look like we're together. Here I can hold his hand.
I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.
Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.
Over the years, there certainly have been plenty of ideas that I've had and given up on, but for this one, the only thing that was standing in its way was me doing it - I just had to write it... And then if it didn't happen, it didn't happen. But I didn't want it to be for lack of effort on my part, so I had hunch that it would be a good story and that we would work well together. And it certainly worked out that way.
You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in the history of the world, who would it be? That depends on the restaurant.
I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
He’s going around putting little covers over the electrical outlets and all that stuff, and I’m like, ‘How the kids going to learn about electricity, huh?’