Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 668

How does a country get away with keeping half its population in beekeeper suits? I'll tell you how. They say the magic word: religion. It's their religion. You say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got away with fucking kids, for crying out loud!

I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I don't see the vagina as a sexual object, but more of a vessel through which I seek emotional companionship at the cost of freedom.

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

Prostitutes in Lyons, France, sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's — "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Powersave, or I forget to dial 9? This just proves what my boyfriend always says — that I am dumber than a French whore.

My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.

You don't need to be stable to be a stand-up comedian.

I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

Things that would change the atmosphere at a party : I hope no - one is allergic to nuts .... because I like to rest mine on the table / Help yourselves to Nibbles .... he was our favourite hamster but its what he would have wanted.

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That’s why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s… and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.

I'm famous today. People like me today. Might not like me tomorrow. You can't count on it.

God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. “You little fat-titted mediocre failure!” You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year’s Eve.

Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."