Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 668

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

If you're getting raped by a fireman, do not yell "FIRE." And definitely don't bring up 9/11.

There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.

Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

I wish people would stop making fun of fat people... they have enough shit on their plates.

The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's offensive to the religion of Islam. Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.

It's not like some movies where you're following a bunch of different stories you can cut around. There was nowhere to cut to. It's these guys. We're not cutting back to anybody else.

Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.