Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 668

In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.

I asked him one time to tell me how I was conceived. You know why? 'Cause I wanted one good story. I don't have any good stories. I have no romantic stories of my parents that don't end with this phrase: "So the cops finally cuffed the crazy bitch."

At that point, we worked to contain the fire from the outside.

Fuck you, Guardian, for calling me a liberal.

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you've got flies.

I've got a three year-old and he wants to rollerblade and he said, "Daddy, I want to put on my helmet," and I said, "Suck it up, kid. We don't wear helmets in this family; we're men. No, not on the sidewalk - get in the street."

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

Because I am a fuckin' genius... according to my gynecologist, who said "That clitoris is gigantic."

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something’s not accurate?

I want to get so famous that I don't have to wake up in the morning. It'll probably never happen.

Nothing would make me happier if Peter Falk would finally win his Oscar for this. Not just as the writer but as a fan and a friend. It would be so great.