Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 678
When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
Where have I been? I've been on my flying saucer tour. Which means like flying saucers I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately... no one doubts my existence.
I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?" I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.
That's proof right there that men and women are on different levels because men can watch two women together and that's a turn-on. It doesn't work the same way for us, does it, ladies? No, uh-uh - it doesn't work the same. You ask any woman in here her sexual fantasy, and I will bet you a million dollars that it's NOT to go home and catch your man bent over with some big, burly guy standing behind him.
I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.
If I could go back and talk to the "me" who was just starting to do comedy, I would have told myself to relax and not worry about things happening right away. That’s a mistake a lot of people make - they think a year is a long time and it’s really not.
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?