Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 678

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you’ve only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" "He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

At the time I had a basic setup, basic cable if you will.He had the holy shit premier package.

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

My life and my legs have been an open book.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.