Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 68
Remember the lesson that Susan Boyle taught us all. Before you judge an ugly person, give them two minutes to whistle a tune or tap dance for you. And if they can’t, fuck ‘em. Stupid ugly fuck.
My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't. This is a man who survived four heart attacks. The doctors revoked his organ donor card and issued him a "Hazardous Waste" decal.
I'd rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You're sitting essentially in an out house and it's 30 below. You've cut a hole in the ice, and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.
Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.
My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.
A family is suing Seaworld because they found their 27 year old son, dead and naked, in Shamu's pen. Look if you're 27 and you're still living at home with your mom and dad you need to kill yourself. The lawsuit also contends that the gifts at the gift shop don't show the nature of these vicious animals. Yeah, what part of the words "killer whale" do you not understand. If I told you there were some killer Mexicans living next door you wouldn't want to hang out with them. "But Judge Carlos, I thought Shamu loves everybody." He does...FOR DINNER. Can I get an amen? What do you say, ghost of Johnny Cochran?
Make sure you don't smoke weed with dumb niggas because weed will make you smart. Aint nothin worse than a smart dumb nigga.
When my mother would make me sandwiches for school - zucchini and eggs, pepper and eggs, everything was with eggs - the oil would drip out of the bag. She didn't care if I lost the sandwich - she wanted that brown bag back. She used to give me artichoke sandwiches. You have no idea how embarrassing it is to sit in the schoolyard eating an artichoke with a piece of bread. A lot of kids didn't know what it was, they'd say, "Look at that guy eating flowers!"
Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"
Nothing more racist than a old black man, you know why? 'Cause the old black man went through some real racism. He ain't go through that "I can't get a cab" shit. He was the cab! White man just jump on his back: "Main Street!"