Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 691
I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.
Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!
And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.
I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn`t have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."
Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.
Why did the Articles of Confederation fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due.
Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.
I like to talk to strangers. I like to go up to people I don't know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don't start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. Try it. Just go up to somebody you don't know and and just go, 'Well how do you think I felt?'
Even every day ends the same, doesn’t it? “What do you want for dinner?” “I don’t know. What do you want for dinner?” “How about a gun in my mouth so we never have to talk about his again?”
What's the problem with just smoking a joint, eating a couple of twinkies, and going to sleep, was that a problem?
I din’t do shit today. Almost till 4 o clock I just watch TV, so i’m a loser.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.