Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 691

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

If you have an entry-level position at a fertilizer company, you are literally in the asshole of the shit business.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

Write more thank-you cards, but draw fewer swastikas on them.

I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sara Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote "tax cuts" on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing– Tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said "Road Runner".

I'm not afraid of putting myself out there to someone and then them passing on it. At least you could have gotten a 'yes.' So it's worthwhile to have the cojones to do it.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I live in a predominantly anxious section of town.

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

Then I will tape the sets and even though I'm not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me...