Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 691

Y'all, I am screaming at my television set: they're spitting cobras, you moron!

Bring Your Child to Work Day - that's how we got George W. Bush.

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.

They don’t encourage you to be who you wanna be, they encourage you to be what they want you to be, no teacher is gonna tell you you’d be cut out to be a great pornstar or illegal arms merchant.

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

I do love the films I've done in the past. I work hard in my movies and my friends work hard and we're trying to make people laugh and I'm very proud of that.

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.

I like the night life, I like to boogy.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.