Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 708
You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
You might be a redneck if your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs.
We're good friends, but we hate each other. Last year, Kevin made the cut and I didn't. My show is over. Kevin's got a really big movie coming out. What else do I got?
Nothing makes you feel better inside, male or female, than when someone who shouldn't have fucked you, did.
My kind of gay, meeting a woman and falling in love, is a different experience because it wasn't anything about 'Oh, I've always been gay and I'm breaking the chains.'
Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
If you study something and you find all this stuff about it, you just went skin deep, so if you keep going and going, you should be left with a fucking mess of unanswered questions.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.