Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 708
My children think my mother is the most wonderful woman on the face of the Earth. And I keep telling my children, “That’s not the same woman I grew up with. You’re looking at an old person who’s trying to get into heaven now.”
I guess the lesson to be learned from the church is that while homosexuality is a sin against God, molestation and rape, well... they're just sins against a child.
I'll put an emoticon at the beginning of a text because I don't give a fuck.
The sun comes up and so does your dick. Cause at heart your dick's a farmer!
Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherfuckers, it'll be your last headache.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"
Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.
When I was 8 years old, I entertained friends with my alligator hand puppet. Where’s my room in Vegas?
George Lopez does so much mugging, I’m surprised he’s not up on charges.
Bush is in command. And when he heard that sectarian militias had killed hundreds of Iraqis, he called for an immediate invasion of Sectaria.
There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!
I’m single again now. But I’m still buying condoms. Because I don’t want the woman at the store to know I’ve stopped having sex. I don’t think that’s any of her business. But they are kind of piling up now. I’m going to have to have a lucky streak. Or think of a craft project.