Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 709

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.

My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by survival of the fittest.

A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.

Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one.

I've come to realize that making it your life's work to be different than your parents is not only hard to do, it's a dumb idea. Not everything we found fault with was necessarily wrong; we were right, for example, to resent, as kids, being told when to go to bed. We'd be equally wrong, as parents, to let our kids stay up all night. To throw out all the tools of parenting just because our parents used them would be like making yourself speak English without using ten letters of the alphabet; it's hard to do.

Movies are movies, and I don't think any of them are going to hurt the moral fiber of America and all that nonsense.

What I wanna know is why I never fit in right like a fat dude getting on a packed flight.

The only way I will do a sitcom is if it’s hurled at me, and I don’t have to work for it.

The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.

I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.

I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

We're good friends, but we hate each other. Last year, Kevin made the cut and I didn't. My show is over. Kevin's got a really big movie coming out. What else do I got?