Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 709
I’m single again now. But I’m still buying condoms. Because I don’t want the woman at the store to know I’ve stopped having sex. I don’t think that’s any of her business. But they are kind of piling up now. I’m going to have to have a lucky streak. Or think of a craft project.
What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.
I get a little heated when I talk about the past. But I wanted to be clear - I'm not mad at anybody - not anymore.
Why are people getting on elevators shocked to find people getting off elevators?
I'd never directed before and this movie's too important to me to put in the hands of some guy who has never directed. Even if it's me.
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.
If you`re involved in with something that`s original, you know, you`ll always go back and try to rehash it.