Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 71
Kurds are the most fucked people on Earth. You know that. They might as well change their name to the Fucks, 'cause they're fucked. "We used to be the Kurds, now we're the Fucks!"
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! ‘Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is.
My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.
I gave my cat a bath the other day, they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, if was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that.
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben, "You're a credit to your rice." Never got a dinner!
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.
Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, "We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay!" Never got a dinner!
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!
Last night, I went to a birthday party, and this girl brought a cake and a cheesecake. And the other girls that lived in the apartment, I swear to God, all night long: 'You're taking that cake with you when you go. That cake's not staying in this house.' Like it's this evil, Hope Diamond, nuclear, horrifying cursed thing.
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.