Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 70
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
I gave my cat a bath the other day, they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, if was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that.
The problem with this country is that old fucks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote.
Religion is like a pair of shoes... Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
I don't understand this whole Elvis thing. There are dead people in my family that we miss and love dearly, but shoot, we don't dress up like them and do impressions. I'll show up at the family reunion in a dirty t-shirt and a bald cap - 'Look, everybody, I'm Uncle Earl.'
I don’t understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I’d be glad to share with him.
Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.