Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 70
Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mmm..., nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!'
It occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is you turn them into poor people.
How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.
Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.
You know, a lot of people’s last names are based on the occupations of their ancestors. That’s true. Just in my neighborhood, right across the street lived the Cooks. Right next door to us lived the Taylors. Counter-corner from us lived the Elephant Dung Shovelers.
I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.
I think it's a really selfish thing, especially if your guy isn't making a lot of money, to make him go out and blow money on a shiny fucking rock that was dug out of the ground by a fucking 8 year old. Ya know? Just because you're not mature enough as an adult to walk up to all your other girlfriends with your engagement ring and letting it be something other than a diamond or at the very least letting it be a diamond that your future husband can afford.
Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
Lot Of Strip Clubs in Florida... Good grief... Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to a brass pole.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.