Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 72
Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon. And while we do that here's a little mood music for you.
Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s no. They’re not allowed.
If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.
When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".
It's failure that gives you the proper perspective on success.
Most people think I'm Danny Glover's son when they meet me. So when they ask, I say 'No, I'm Crispin Glover's son.' Then we stare at each other for a long time.
I'm wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience; it's called 'Tester.'
I love New York City. The reason I live in New York City is because it's the loudest city on the planet Earth. It's so loud I never have to listen to any of the shit that's going on in my own head. It's really loud. They literally have guys come with jackhammers and they drill the streets and just leave cones in front of your apartment; you don't even know why. Garbage men come; they don't pick up the garbage, they just bang the cans together. And if your block's too quiet, they actually hire a guy who wanders around going, "Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!" ... That was the first job I ever had.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. The traditional meal often includes gefilte fish. For those of you who don't know what gefilte fish is, it strongly resembles a ball of tuna fish that has been passed nasally. It's not good. During Passover, the angel of death passed over the Jews - an event that, up until the late 1950s, was re-enacted every year by Ivy League colleges and suburban country clubs.