Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 72
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement - he goes, 'I'm switching me name back to Florence.' And we beat him up, 'cause it's a dumb name and he's old and weak and it was easy.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
White people go; Why you guys hold your things? Cause you done took every thing else, motherfucker!
Everyone should have to wait tables for one year of their lives, so they realize their ranch dressing isn’t that fucking important.
My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha."
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
The problem with this country is that old fucks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote.
I gave my cat a bath the other day, they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, if was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and pull up your pants!
I did drugs wrong. I’m the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine. I went to rehab for coke, and a black guy came up to me and said, "Damn, man, what are you pouring that shit on, cheeseburgers?"