Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 714

They always use the word 'insult' with me, but I don't hurt anybody. I wouldn't be sitting here if I did. I make fun of everybody and exaggerate all our insecurities.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!

This country has helped define me and make my dreams come true.

Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, "It’s only a nickname." Never got a dinner!

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

Humor's a weapon if you want to make it one.

And after you've done the acting, there's a lot of places you can put your input - in the editing, in the production of it, in the rewriting of it and so on.

I don't care if I ever work in TV again.

I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind?"

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.

It all bottomed out with the Renaissance Period. Ren-ais-sance. That’s Renaissance, French for ‘re-birth’. Re-nais-sance. And that’s why most of the Renaissance happened slap bang in the middle of Fr…Italy.

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

If you’re “willing to die” for a cause you should really find some other less potential death related interests.

Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?