Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 714
You might be a redneck if you go to the family reunion to meet women.
I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
If you`re involved in with something that`s original, you know, you`ll always go back and try to rehash it.
If you're a parent, the five worst words you can say to your children are, "When I was your age ..." You were never their age. You were older in the womb.
I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river... I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.
I was looking at my coffin choices, I was thinking about getting the player's special, the one with the diamo.
I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.
Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: they don’t break up with you.
When asked if he enjoys being famous: Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. I've always been a people watcher. I like to go to malls and just sit, and I can't do that very easily anymore.