Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 715

I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.

This country is in a big hurry to go nowhere.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare "socialized medicine", I get to call private, for-profit healthcare "soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain".

I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

When you swear to God, its true. Right now God is watching and saying, "this is true."

And then mommy's lawyer does to daddy what daddy was doing to the nurse.

Obama is running again for spite.

Nice jump, Spider-Man!

Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: you show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.

I'm always making fun of myself and my friends.

"We don't need your English bastard pounds! We're our own country, we'll have our own bloody money, eh?!" "Would you like your own currency?" "Ah, it's complicated mathematically. Let's just have yours with our photos, I think that's the best way!"

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.

So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!