Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 716

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

Goliath’s mother, who said to Goliath, "Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned!" Never got a dinner!

I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least, Miss Right Now.

This is a man who survived four heart attacks. Yeah, the doctor revoked his organ donor card. Issued him a "Hazardous Waste" decal. Well, he actually had three heart attacks and a heart "episode." Cause his last heart attack, he was with an HMO. Yes. And it seems that if they write down "heart attack," they have to admit you. But if they write down "heart episode," they can give you Robitussin and send your ass home.

I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.

Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.

I think pretty soon people gonna be fuckin' for gas. I think people already fuckin' for gas. Some of y'all in here tonight are fuckin' for gas. Like 'Girl, why you with him?' He filled up my tank.

In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

It was fun because, after shooting, Will and I would eat a jar of pickles and tell each other secrets. It was so much fun!

When you become senile, you won't know it.

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, "Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea." Never got a dinner!