Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 716
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
Who's to say what's better or worse anyway? Who's to even say what's normal or average? We're all different people and we're allowed to be different from on another. If someone ever says you're weird, say thank you. And then curtsy. No, don't curtsy. That might be too weird. Bow. And tip your imaginary hate. That'll show them.
I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
You’re good looking for a redhead... yea, well you’re not good looking for a person.
We show-ed a lot of intensity on defense early. But we missed one of our point guards who is the spark for our defense.
At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.
You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.
Today, the L. A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Jimmy - How olds your boyfriend? <br /> Guy in Audence - He's my brother. <br /> Jimmy - Well stop fucking him!
Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?'
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.