Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 716

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

We're good friends, but we hate each other. Last year, Kevin made the cut and I didn't. My show is over. Kevin's got a really big movie coming out. What else do I got?

Obama is running again for spite.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

Let's take back the real estate between our ears and get green like a son of a bitch.

If laughter is the best medicine, I promise to continue to make you laugh as my wife and I work together with the National Kidney Foundation to save lives.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

(On actress Emma Watson.) She didn’t want to be my friend at school. She’ll probably be in a queue of people who are after me. We found some socks with her name tag in so we whacked them on eBay. We thought, ‘She’s doing well for herself, let’s make some money.’ I can’t recall what we got for the socks but it wasn’t over a fiver.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.