Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 723
What are they not going to do a reality show about… There used to be a time when you would come home and reality was so crappy, you would turn on TV to watch stuff people had made up so you could escape from the crappy reality. Now, you go out and deal with dickheads and morons all day and you come home, and go “I just want to go home so I can watch Dickheads and Morons on TV.”
I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast. Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.
You're like an energy vampire. You suck the life out of people and take the fun out of being a lawyer.
I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.
I used to use Shopping for a Better World by the Council on Economic Priorities for my responsible consumer needs. It rates companies with an A, C, or F on their environmental impact, their record on hiring women and minorities, and their willingness to disclose that information to the public. So, for example, there's Chevron with an F in the environment category but a B under minorities and an A under the disclosure heading. It seems to me that if a company is destroying the earth, the fact that they're including minorities in their pillaging and are willing to tell us they're doing it should be little comfort. It's like forgiving an ax murderer who is nice to children.
I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.
Love your kids unconditionally. My mother had an onlooker breastfeed me.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those words.
I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.