Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 762
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.
I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass.
I'm 31 now. I think I'm beginning to understand what life is, what romance is, and what a relationship means.
We do experiments on animals for a reason—to prolong our life. If hooking a monkey’s brain up to a car battery is going to save somebody of dying from AIDS in ten years, I got two things to say, “The red is positive and the black is negative.”
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
She said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fufilling my potential would really cut into my sittin' around time.
I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.
Remember when movies were just good or bad, before auteurs, film festivals, and guys from USC who were the first to shoot underwater?
You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!