Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 762

I appreciate y’all having me. A lot of you ain’t laughing right now, but goddammit I’m funny. And I’ll have your ass vomiting shortly. Believe that.

I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.

I'm going to be putting together a tour, where myself and some like-minded comics go out.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I said, “Who did you think it was?”

I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.

Nostradamus, who predicted he would never get a dinner! Never got a dinner!

I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience.

Clinton could have done a better job with the hurricane while having sex.

Be offended by everything or be offended by nothing.

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity: We all suck.

It’s the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

You have to have lived some life. You've got to have paid some dues.