Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 767
If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20s and I’ve only been in three fights –not a bad average.
Isn't it a little ironic here? We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?
I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Life is an ordeal, albeit an exciting one, but I wouldn't trade it for the good old days of poverty and obscurity.
When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps.
Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"
I got involved with this pro-choice group. Their slogan is, “Raising kids is murder”.
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.