Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 767
A young senator came to me one Tuesday afternoon and said, ‘I want to be the next president of the United States.’ I looked at him, made him get into a sensory deprivation tank and answer a few deceptively simple questions, and after about an hour I said, ‘Okay, kid, let’s do this.’ That person, of course, was John F. Kennedy.
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Life can be really hard some times but its better than being a butterfly where you only live a month.
If you are 26 years old and you’re waking up under Star Wars sheets… the Force is not with you.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.
It's not the child's responsibility to teach the parent who they are. It's the parent's responsibility to learn who the child is.
People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.
I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn’t hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.
I think it would be a fatal mistake to use my show as a platform for controversial issues. I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.