Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 766
Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.
But at the same time that the experience is pulling you apart, it's also bonding you. You have this joint venture! You both made this baby. And that's the thing I still can't get over.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.
A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.
People will frighten you about a graduation...They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.
If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.
He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.
It's mentally exhausting, feeling bad about something you can do nothing about.
The way the people around you position themselves around you to get in your pockets and in your mind is infuriating to me.
Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.