Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 766
Maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. The old man was into some really crazy shit.
Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.
There was a girl who was cooking a cake for her family for the first time and the directions said "Grease the bottom of the pan." So, she greased the bottom of the pan... You think there was a house fire? Here's your sign!
In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.
I was told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn't have children, 3 weeks after that he told me that my girlfriend was pregnant....who's the daddy?
If you want to dig, if you want to pry, do it on your time, but I'm going to be a woman of dignity.
Have you ever done a black guy? Do it. It’s worth the screwed-up credit. I’m telling you. You may never buy a new car again but every night you get a SUV right in the hoo ha.
Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?
If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
You’re so fucking stupid, you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.
All the proper bands from then, when we were kids, yeah? The Rubettes and Mud and Chicory Tip. Yeah. Not like the bands they have now, stupid, modern bands all made out of wire and electricity. The proper old bands. You'd buy the singles, wouldn't you? The old singles they used to have in the old days. The proper ones. Very nostalgic feelings towards Woolworths. The pick 'n' mix. Remember the pick 'n' mix in Woolworths? All the sweets individually wrapped. Proper, old-fashioned sweets, yeah? Not like the sweets they have now, all with knives in them and AIDS
Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.