Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 766
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
I was looking at my coffin choices, I was thinking about getting the player's special, the one with the diamo.
A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.
New parents always sound like hucksters in a pyramid scheme. Anyone who has kids and then gets you to go and have kids gets a check from Huckster Headquarters.
You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
It’s the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.
When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
I don't have the time to steal other people's material even if I wanted to. The reason why these rumors got started is that I don't really contest them because I don't believe they deserve contesting. I really don't.
Find something living rent free in your uterus? Evict that motherfucker!