Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 766
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don’t like that.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous.
I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?
What kind of super hero would you become if, at age 9, you saw both your parents get raped to death by lambs? Not the cool kind.
They make these outrageous comedies and just use these kids as props. They're not beings who are transforming.
I have to go to this mall in Beijing to buy some clothes. I didn’t know this until I got there, but apparently in China I’m Shaquille O’Neal. I go to mall. I walk into the store. I’m like, “Hey, you got a 10.5/11 in those shoes?”<br /> “Ah no! How about an 8?”<br /> “How about I can’t negotiate my foot size with you?”
Have you ever felt your penis invert before? I had to sit down and pee for a month.
Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."
Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.
If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again.
I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.