Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 779

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Life is an ordeal, albeit an exciting one, but I wouldn't trade it for the good old days of poverty and obscurity.

When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps.

Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.

I'm very open to the up-and-comers.

If you live with a single parent, you don't see compromise. You witness a grown person living in a world where they do what they want to do. When you are raised by two parents, you are constantly watching compromise take place. Just by observing that, it made me a better person.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

I had sex recently. I took out the box of condoms. She takes the box from my hand, looks at it and goes, “Hey Todd, good choice.” Good choice. Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to show brand loyalty.

Oopsy diddly. Pardon me madams, did I get me rah rah juice on your peepers?

Pixar had to animate themselves jumping over a shark.

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.

You would play house, you would fake vacuum. Fake vacuum with your friends, that was awesome. It's great because when I see my wife vacuum now I'm like, 'She is living her childhood dream.'