Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 779
Now if I walk past a group of youths I find myself holding my keys in my pocket, then I find myself putting each key in between my clenched fist, so if I have to hit him I'll fucking kill him.
I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.
You might be a redneck if your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don’t clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.
If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I’m at the top of my game.
I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.
Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
No Faith! At least wait a few minutes until rush hour is over. You're wearing a teddy bear backpack, everyone is gonna want to hit ya.
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.