Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 789
Hey man. It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later.
We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.
Let me make one thing perfectly clear to you: this is not writing. I have absolutely no idea how this sentence I’m currently saying is going to finish. When and if it does, I can only hope it makes some kind of coherent ceramic pineapple.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.