Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 789

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.

We've made pretty good progress. We're the type of offense where when we need to score in crucial situations, we're going to put points on the board.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

At his wife's 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. Afterward he met with 100 donors, not campaign donors, heart donors.

And traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!"

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

On Peter Crouch: Even in name, he seems like a Victorian oddity. “Igor, fetch ‘the Crouch’ from the catacombs, we’re going to the graveyard”.

On bad chat up lines: Stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, Get in the van.

We do not believe, had he been white, that he would be dead. And when we black folks say to America that we're not going to tolerate it, it's going to stop.

I knew I was in love. First of all, I was very nauseous.

It's a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a god but a man to you - when he comes down from the mountain and you see he's this man with weaknesses. And you love him as this whole being, not as a figurehead.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.