Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 789
He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.
When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
On one side you have book burners, Congressional wives and Pat Robertson. On the other side, you have vulgar comedians, foul-mouthed rap groups and Dennis Hopper - all your choices should be so easy.
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.
I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.
A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.
Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!
Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.
He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.