Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 789

She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'

People go like 'Jews are cheap' *indian accent* No, that is very incorrect, I AM cheap. Jews are thrifty. BIGGGGG difference!

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.

When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

I said, “Who did you think it was?”

The legendary Dick Van Dyke on the show tonight. The actor not the pubic beard style. Although... maybe it's time for something new.

To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.

The reason a person is a republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that's science - that's neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican.

I lie a lot, but when I write about Gracie, I don't have to lie. The truth is unbelievable enough.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

It's 113 degrees in Phoenix! Damn!!! I'm not as hot as I thought I was!

There was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

Younger kids, they understand that things aren't so perfect with their father or with their mother.