Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 793

I think it would be a fatal mistake to use my show as a platform for controversial issues. I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet...

On Seth Macfarlane, creator of Family Guy: ”You made all your money because you created a fucked up, criminal baby. You’re like Michael Lohan.”

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I think I'm going to put baby powder all over my legs before this walk just to be safe.

I'm constipated, couldn't give a shit.

He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.

And traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!"

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.

White men have screwed this country up! I would like a black, female…. everything all rolled into one.I want something different. I want a real change. People, I want a president who speaks well, who has a sense of humor. This guy is such a moron! It's beyond the point where it's a joke. He's an idiot.

Morgan Freeman is so class. He's so cool. He's so scary.

You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

The last time I heard booing like that was when I was doing my act.

I think for one thing, kids are a lot smarter now then we ever were.