Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 793

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.

My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance!' and 'You can't make a burger run.'

Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.

I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.

We've got to the stage where Sparrows and Otters are becoming extinct. I mean the next series of Spring Watch is going to be like Schindler's list. Just all shown in black and white with a little Robins red breast. Bill Oddie smuggling Badgers through Belgium. But the Panda's want to die, the Panda's want to die out and we're forcing them to have sex. Can you imagine that on your death bed some zoo keeper's trying to make you hump someone? I can. It's not all bad extinction is it? I mean it's less stuff to have to learn to teach your kids. "What's that daddy?" Well it's a dog cause there's only dogs left.

I think I've drawn from some of the most feminine women, like Jackie Kennedy. I am totally devastated that she's gone. She had it all.

To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

If I knew as a young man what I know now I still would have felt lost.

I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

There was a girl who was cooking a cake for her family for the first time and the directions said "Grease the bottom of the pan." So, she greased the bottom of the pan... You think there was a house fire? Here's your sign!