Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 793

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

I got a figure that just won't start.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

In the late '60s and '70s, when feminism was on the up sweep, there was an awareness of things that we're losing again.

That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!

I wish I was a book. She could pick me up, flip through my pages. Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.

"Go have boys' night out" really means "I'll stay home and touch my clit."

It’s so stupid the shit we’re proud of. You know how you got to be who you are? Your parents fucked. There’s nothing to be proud of. You father wanted a blowjob that night. How’s that feel? You’re just a blowjob that got out of hand.

Now if I walk past a group of youths I find myself holding my keys in my pocket, then I find myself putting each key in between my clenched fist, so if I have to hit him I'll fucking kill him.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

Does anybody believe your health is more important than money? I don’t see too many beautiful women going, “Gee, should I blow Bob in the Porsche or Dave with low cholestol?”

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.