Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 792

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

This is how dumb the real estate agents are in New Jersey. They put their headshots and their advertisements on city benches. You know who sleeps on city benches? Homeless people. Why don’t you just put a picture of a four course meal next to it. “Here’s two things you’ll never own.”

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I got a safe full of cherries ‘cause I pop it and lock it.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

Loud, stupid and overeating will suffice as long as we also have the funny, the fierce and the intellectual.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

So I go in and I go into the snack bar. I don't think it should be legal to call anything that costs $18.50 a snack. Yeah, those are nice Twizzlers, do you have financial aid?

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

She’s 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? “SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!”, what do you want a shredder for? “IDENTITY THEFT!!”.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other.