Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 792

I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.

A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Some dead people said smart stuff.

My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.

A new child in the house is a huge tourist attraction. It's like Disneyland, except there the lines are longer and no one brings casseroles.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: "As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward."

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

I wish I was a book. She could pick me up, flip through my pages. Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

The monkey on my back is me.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

So she viewed time spent in the land of the normal as an investigation into the world of marriage-worthy men, even if she was unsure about her own interest in marriage. There must be one solid citizen who also had a spark of life, a sense of humor and adventure.

My mother was an authority on pigsties. This is the worst looking pigsty I've ever seen in my life.