Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 792

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

It's 113 degrees in Phoenix! Damn!!! I'm not as hot as I thought I was!

There was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

1st of December, World Aids Day….I don’t think it’ll ever take off like Christmas.

When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

Some people say kissing is more intimate than sex... I guess, if you’re kissing someone’s butt hole.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles… because I didn’t know.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: "Dead men don't wear plaid." Hmm... Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.

All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Who would have thought that the manufacturing of sticks would be outsourced to China?