Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 792
I believe at the end of my career I’ll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.
I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
That guy who manages the vegetarian restaurant got a pretty severe haircut.
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
I have been the guy who has everything but yet is so one-track minded about what I want, that I can't see my blessings.
I had a lovely military flight, thank you. I love spiraling in - nothing like that to make your colon go, "Fire in the hole!"
Republican presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin at Fox News.
"I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'"
I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on.
It means a lot to me to have my kids like what I do. And that's why I limit them. But I don't want to put that pressure on them to be a fan of mine.
In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.
I try to avoid people's eyes because I don't like to get that intimate with just anybody. i don't need the responsibility.