Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 799

I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.

It's an honor to walk in the footsteps of a legend. As host I intend to honor the tradition of The Bob Hope Classic and have a great time blazing a new path.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

How the hell do you wake up dead?

You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'

Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.

We're (women) our own worst enemies a lot of the time, but I still blame men.

How many of you text message? It’s a great way of not communicating.

Black culture is a fight. We want to hold on to what we are, but sometimes the things that we are can be totally negative. You have to think: can't we try something new and not be seen as suspect?

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.