Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 799

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.

It was June 4, 1979, the first time I went on stage. I didn't know I could do it but I knew I couldn't not do it. I quit everything in my life and this was the one thing I couldn't quit.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

We do not believe, had he been white, that he would be dead. And when we black folks say to America that we're not going to tolerate it, it's going to stop.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Like, see, I'd never vote for George Bush Junior, but I don't know anything about his politics. All I know about that George Bush Junior is that that guy sniffed cocaine. That's right. Now, listen, we can't have that shit in the White House. That may be fine for a mayor; but goddammit, not the White House! The stakes are too high. He'd be sellin' nuclear secrets for 20 or 30 dollars and shit.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I fall in love so fast. I come back after the first date, I tell my friends, 'She's unbelievable!' And they say, 'What did she do?' 'I don't know. I think she's a mammal.'

My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.

The first time you see a vagina you’re like, “It’s brilliant.” But it’s actually terrifying. It looks exactly like Rio Ferdinand’s smile.