Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 799
What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be Democrats... or skinny.
Jim Bakker spells his name with 2 k's because 3 would be too obvious.
If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.
I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'
John and I were gay together once... Wait, that's not true. He was gay and I just laid there. Thank you, John, for giving me your heiny last night.
A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.
Doctors — they like auto mechanics. You go in get one thing seen, they want to look at other stuff. I went to a doctor for a twisted ankle, came out with diabetes. I was mad as hell.
I admire Russell Simmons. He is a successful dude that has done a little bit of everything. He keeps it moving, and he’s still doing things. Larry David is also amazing. He is honest and blunt. A creative genius.
Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.
You’re so fucking stupid, you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.
History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.
To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am "looking at." And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am "Get Him!"
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.
We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.