Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 799

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

I never thought that Bill Clinton should be the president. When he was running to be the president of the United States, he said on over a hundred occasions, he said the following: He said, 'One of the great accomplishments while I was the governor of Arkansas, was to take my state in education from 50th to 49th.' And I thought, ' you know, Bill, you should keep that a secret.'

I don't go out with my single friends - not at all - because I never have a good time, never have fun. We go to a club, a guy comes over - 'Hey, can I buy you a drink?' They're like, 'No, she's married.' I'm like, 'Yeah, I'm married, but I'm thirsty. Why don't you shut the hell up, and let me have a free drink?'

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet...

Well, let me welcome myself to Texas. Where a man comes home and hangs his hat on his lap.

There are some muscles I don’t think I need my personal trainer to find as I won’t be using them at my age anyway

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I changed my act because I wasn't getting booked.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

Loud, stupid and overeating will suffice as long as we also have the funny, the fierce and the intellectual.

Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"