Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 817
When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.
Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.
I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
God lets you be successful because he trusts you that you will do the right thing with it. Now, does he get disappointed often? All the time, because people get there and they forget how they got it.
My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: "As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward."
TV is easier: it's all planned out for you and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over.
All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: "Dead men don't wear plaid." Hmm... Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.
I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in, but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe it's the times we live in. They say he's not an environmentalist. But every time I see his ranch on TV, it looks pretty nice. You know something, if we all took care of our own, we'd have a great environment.
I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.
I think, in most cases, the difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.