Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 817

"I'm blind, bald, and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene."

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

Girls get more attached when they orgasm, so I make sure not to let that happen.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.

First I get my name in the phone book and now I’m on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.

You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.

I don’t know if this is a nerdy quality or just something left over from my uncle’s alcoholism, but I get obsessed with things very easily, things that don’t matter. I think that is a very nerdy quality to be like, “Oh this thing! I love it and I’m going to learn everything about it real soon.”

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

Got an offer to do my next special in 3D. Sounds cool but do you really want me coming into your house?

I'm always a bit shy around evil people...

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

If nobody is clear on what you're protesting, it's not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, "Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!"