Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 817
You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.
Make a sex tape, upload it, get on a reality show, release a perfume, retire. That’s the new American dream.
I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."
And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.
I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen’s show and were disappointed. "That didn’t seem very organized! That guy’s all over the map!"
I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.
I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.
You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on.
In the land of the blind, the one eyed man tends to get away with date rape more often. Also shoplifting and cheating at monopoly.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
Comedians do movies and TV so that when they tour, they sell out. That's the goal: To get popular enough so the place is packed.
Burt Reynolds, great sex symbol of the movies, who said, "I owe it all to one great part." Never got a dinner!
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.