Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 823
Family reunions is that time when you come face to face with your family tree and realize some branches need to be cut.
Thanks Kate, and don't forget to call that number, there is no such thing as a little crack problem.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
Do you think when Arabs give their kids toy cars, they say “you can only use this once.”?
I think anybody who wants to be president has to be a politician, but I would like to find somebody who's coming from a loving place instead of a political place.
[to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.
The Devil: Okay, are there any questions? Yes? No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets. If had read your bible, you might have seen it was damnation WITHOUT relief.
The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.
North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people’s things. And my cousin, who’s a ‘gangster’, he’s like, ‘No, Tash, you don’t understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.’ I’m like, ‘No one thinks you own Costco.’
Have you heard his [Justin Bieber] new song? ‘Cause he thinks he’s a black man now.