Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 823
The magazine at the health food store said, "Stop Aging!" Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging...
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
How is it possible to miss a woman whom you kept at a distance, so that when she was gone you would not miss her?
There’s a few sentences you’ll never hear. Like, “Hey we should go to Alabama, again.” You’ll never hear that. Or how about this one? “I can’t believe you haven’t seen Species 2!” This is my favorite one: “Aw! Let’s put some nutmeg up in this muthafucka!”
Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan "You Can Depend on CNN". Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?
I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?
When you're first starting out, you want to keep making good movies. When you're young and you're black, you do a bad movie and you're through.
I've always loved the flirtatious tango of consonants and vowels, the sturdy dependability of nouns and capricious whimsy of verbs, the strutting pageantry of the adjective and the flitting evanescence of the adverb, all kept safe and orderly by those reliable little policemen, punctuation marks. Wow! Think I got my ass kicked in high school?
I come around when you least expect me! I'm sitting at the bar when your glass is empty!
If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.
The self-prepared dinner is a great time killer for lonely people and as much time should be spent on it as possible.
And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.
When someone less capable is ahead of me, I am not pleased. It makes me insane.
What do you feed them? Losing lottery tickets? You're never going to win the lottery! You have a better chance of getting knocked up by Ryan Seacrest. And you have enough kids! Take your fifty dollars and buy yourself a vagina cork. I hope I get reincarnated as a condom so I never have to see your ugly-ass face again!