Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 823
The magazine at the health food store said, "Stop Aging!" Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging...
The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, "I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you." And I say, "You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct." When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.
And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.
If you’re dating someone that says they’ve “got their priorities in order” that’s code for, “I’m spiraling out of control.”
I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.
Fear of intimacy thankfully keeps me from getting close to myself.
We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
It’s gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself.
I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.