Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 829
No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues".
You would play house, you would fake vacuum. Fake vacuum with your friends, that was awesome. It's great because when I see my wife vacuum now I'm like, 'She is living her childhood dream.'
And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.
The reason I'm a psychologist is based in part on my telephone routines. Much of my humor comes out of reaction to what other people are saying. A psychologist is a man who listens, who is sympathetic.
Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.
I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.'
Jack the Ripper’s mother, who said to Jack, "How come I never see you with the same girl twice? " Never got a dinner!
I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time... It's free!
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
Also, I realized a lot of kids are listening to me. Whether I want to be or not, they're looking up to me.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
But you get past that and realize you have to let go of what you think you want. There'll be plenty of time for that later. Right now, go and be with that baby. Just play with this beautiful little boy.