Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 829
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who "don't know." What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
Jim Bakker spells his name with 2 k's because 3 would be too obvious.
The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, "I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you." And I say, "You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct." When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.
I think about dying. I've come to realize we all die alone in one way or another.
Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You’d just be like, "I am bike cheese." Because you wouldn’t know what words were.
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan "You Can Depend on CNN". Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?
Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It’s just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.