Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 829

"No comment" is a comment.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

You might be a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.

I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

She was moving to Los Angeles, so I thought, ‘Hey, you know? I’ll go with her.’ So when we get out to LA... The relationship, you know, once the geography changed, my God... It was a fucking nightmare!

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got an idiot.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won’t give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can’t afford to have your head examined.

Let me tell you, never before in the history of this planet has anybody made the progress that African-Americans have made in a 30-year period, in spite of many black folks and white folks lying to one another.

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!

Know why it takes so many sperm to fetrtilize one egg - cause none of those fuckers will ask for directions.