Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 829
If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.
I've gotten to a place where I am comfortable and I don't battle myself. I'm further ahead than I ever thought I'd be. I've exceeded everyone's expectations. Including, I think, my own.
One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.
I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we have a grass bag on our lawnmower.
We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering - these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love - these are what we stay alive for.
If these walls could talk... you'd hear the sound of fat women saying, "Call me."
Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?
Whenever people are going through a struggle in life, they get really cliche. They say stuff like, “I’m taking it one day at a time. Just taking it one day at a time.” You know who else is? Everybody. ‘Cause that’s how time works.
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
I was the equivalent of a 98 pound weakling. I would go to the beach and people would throw copies of Byron in my face!
1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.
Girls get more attached when they orgasm, so I make sure not to let that happen.
I've been a comedian since I was fourteen. But I've never really been a CEO.