Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 833

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck.

Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello.

I'm a rap comedian the same way Bill Cosby is a jazz comedian, Cosby's laid back. I'm like, bang, bang bang, right into it.

Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

Her call to me was a t shirt with a huge picture of me on the corner, monstrous. And under it said Dave. So you wouldn't be confused that this guy was this guy. Exact replica.

The more developed your abs, the less time you’ve spent reading.

I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline, and you immediately close the paper and say, 'Wow, it's gonna be a great day.'

Old McDonald, who said on his honeymoon, "Ee-eye-ee-eye-oooohhh!!!" Never got a dinner!

Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?

The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

What has Iraq done to us?

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch’s face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.