Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 833

They say, "Keep your enemies closer." But what if you live with them?

St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.

After you take off your coats, go to sleep... Then in the morning I'll take you all home.

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

Ed and I were out last night and I asked him why he drank so much. He said he drank to forget. I asked him, "To forget what?" And he said he couldn't remember.

I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.

Look at you, you're handsome... ish.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

I'm always amazed when I hear people saying; "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

When you unleash the mix upon her, she will understand the beauty of who you are as a human being, and then she will melt and be in your bedroom soon. That's the plan with the mix.