Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 833

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

No one is a natural – you have to work at being a natural.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

I voted for Kerry, and I'm still getting e-mails from him, too. It's kind of pathetic, like, 'There's still work to be done.' Yeah, there is: delete.

Rappers when they get their awards they always credit God. “I’d like to thank Jesus Christ. Jehovah God Almighty. For my number one hit single. It’s called ‘Suck My Mama.’”

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones.

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.

You never see a smiling runner.