Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 837

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

They have a show on MTV that I can't stand, 'Cribs.' You ever watch 'Cribs'? Yeah, that show should be called, 'Wanna Feel Like a Failure?'

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Science fiction was never my thing. I have no interest in it.

I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it’s enough just to keep yourself alive.

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

Why in our lifetimes was there a programme called Dogs with Jobs? They used to put it on at 11.30am! I resented a programme called Dogs with Jobs being put on when they knew unemployed people would be watching.

I was not an attractive child.

I'm a rap comedian the same way Bill Cosby is a jazz comedian, Cosby's laid back. I'm like, bang, bang bang, right into it.

The more developed your abs, the less time you’ve spent reading.