Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 837
I just got reacquainted with my daddy after 30 years. He came back into my life after 30 years. Ain't that some shit? It's nice. You can laugh if you want to. It ain't like he was lost at sea or nothing.
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
Grief and tragedy and hatred are only for a time. Goodness, remembrance and love have no end.
King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, "For better service, take a number." Never got a dinner!
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
When I'm on stage, I get real happy there. Maybe that's the only time in my adult life I feel like myself.
[during a bit about dogs]<br /> That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit. Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist, except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness.
I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?