Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 837

And I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill.

I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline, and you immediately close the paper and say, 'Wow, it's gonna be a great day.'

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant…because I believe in myself.

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card – "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

Every comedian has a moment in his life when he realizes he's a little bit different from everyone else. It's like being the only guy in a movie who sees the ghost. The ghost talks to you and you talk to him. Then you turn to your friend and say, "Hey. Do you see that ghost?" And he says, "What ghost?"

My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?

There is no way any rational, reasonable person can say that the Bush Administration has been good for America.

What has Iraq done to us?

For thirty years my act consisted of one joke... and then she died.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

I would say, as far as heckling, there’s benign and there’s malignant; like tumors man. Sometimes you get really nice hecklers. I’d say percentage-wise it’s only about 10 to 20 percent the whole year.