Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 838
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn’t get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that. Now I tell people.
You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?
One of the great mistakes that can be made by a man of my age is to get involved in athletic competition with children - unless, of course, they are under six. And even then, stay away from hide-and-seek.
It’s horrible being alone. I threw a surprise party for myself. I parked the car down the street. Tried to fool myself. I set up a piñata up with a blindfold and a baseball bat and ended up my neighbor’s house, beating up their grandmother.
The weirdest thing about a house is that it’s got locks to keep the baddies out, but they’re mostly used to lock ourselves in.
Cunt is a great word, but it is more impressive if you use it on a guy.
Hecklers need to be dealt with. Then walk away and do your shit.
I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.
All marionettes are trying to say with this movie, is that if you don't see it, the sock puppets have won.