Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 838
You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I'll guarantee you'll win.
I'm still enjoying the single life. Went down to Mardi Gras a couple years ago, that was fun. I went with a buddy of mine. There were some girls up in a balcony. A chant goes up: 'Show your tits.' I joined the chant because I support the cause. The girls show 'em, we threw up some beads -- I figured that's the end of the transaction. Turns out they reciprocate with a chant of their own: 'We want cock.' What do you do? Turns out, I had some cock on me -- unfasten, unbutton, unzip -- beads showering down on me. Best moment of my entire life -- cut short: handcuffed, thrown against the wall. My friend runs off, but manages to get a picture before he does. I don't know a lot about prison, but I do know, handcuffed, with your pants down, covered in beads, is not a good way to arrive.
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.
If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn’t get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that. Now I tell people.
A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.
I'm always amazed when I hear people saying; "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling.
“It must be cool having a dad who’s a comedian,” I overheard a friend say. “No,” came my son’s reply. “He’s a knob.”
We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.
I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.