Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 838

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

If I waited for you to teach Lee (Mack) to speak properly we’d be here all night.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, "Hey, you hungry?"

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Stand-up is hard.